For those who may be unfamiliar with what a depressed person feels like and goes through, I decided to write and sum up how it can deeply affect a person. How it can take over a person completely by distorting their thoughts, feelings, and overall well-being. This may help give a real life glimpse of what goes through a depressed person’s mind.
Here is an example of what I have felt during times of despair:
When the depression hits, I become almost numb. I don’t know what I want anymore and the things that I once cared about no longer seem to matter. I push those I love away while vigorously spewing hurtful statements and remarks. I become irrational and unglued. I start to wonder if I still love and want to be with my fiance. I feel as if I should end things with him. He begins to feel like my worst enemy without even doing anything differently than before. I feel as if nothing he does is right or will help. Nothing feels the same or makes sense when under this deep, dark cloud of depression. It all feels real and it frightens me…
“Is the depression really lying?”
“Is this who I really am?”
“Do I not love him?”
“Has this all been a lie?”
These questions begin to torture me. This depression has finally done me in. I feel lost, afraid, and miserably confused. I want to scream. I want to runaway. I hate my life and everything in it. I’ve officially lost myself.
- I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.
- I don’t want to get out of bed.
- I can’t motivate myself to go to work, nonetheless even function.
- Nothing sounds appealing anymore. Not even my favorite things…
- I either eat too little or I eat too much.
- I shy away from the rest of the world.
- I ignore the phone, emails, and the door.
- I don’t want to leave the house.
- I don’t want to be around anyone.
- I feel fragile, weak, and tired.
- My anxiety is through the roof.
- I become rather irritable.
I find myself drowning in this darkness trampled by constant, troublesome thoughts. Feelings of loneliness and abandonment, I feel no one even cares.
The thoughts continue:
“Why must I live this way?”
“I have nothing left to live for.”
“Let me spare you the trouble, I’ll be out of your way soon.”
When the depression hits, it is vicious. It is crippling and it is dark. All I can really do is wait. Wait it out until that light and that strength finally return. As for now, in that moment, I tell myself to hold on. Don’t give up for it will be better soon.. This will not last forever. The depression, it does in fact lie.